Editorials and Features
Article by: MrCHUPON
CALLOUT: CALLOUT: InsidePulse's (wtf?) AGH review sucks. [Written 2004-10-02]
Wanna know why we're possibly abandoning Callout? Well it seems I'm the only stupid one stupid enough to write callouts. AnTiPoDe can't bring himself to rant on someone else's review (so this time I'm doing it for him since this one strikes a major chord with him), our guest writers write too infrequently to even care, and Womac... well where the hell is he anyway? I'd sure as fcuking hell like to know. So if you never see a Callout again, consider yourself lucky, because that means that you won't have to sit through us telling you how wrong "professional" reviewers are. Except this one last time.
Except this guy's not really... "professional." But then, none of them are. Don't kid yourself.
Today's lovely guest is the beautiful Alex Lucard (A. Lucard? Get it? Oh man this guy's got knee slappers up the wazoo. Oh man stop me. Agh I can't stop laughing.) from Inside Pulse (inside of what, I'm wondering...). I've never met the guy or read his reviews, but I like the guy. He's cool. ... Right. This is not a personal attack on him. In fact I'm reading his Gradius V review just now, to see what this character's like, and it's actually a very well written review. This is just a personal attack on his horrible writing for this particular review of Advance Guardian Heroes, a very fun game with some annoying technical flaws. It bothers me that this review's score made it and got counted on GameRankings, because it smells worse than my basement. (For the record I have no basement. Continuing.)
For the most part, his gripes with the game are understandable since he claims to be a longtime fan of the original, and perhaps this one didn't live up to his expectations. You can read his... "review"... here: PIECEOF$HITCOCK. I will take the stupid parts here and explain why they're stupid. Of course, some need no explaining and will be indicated as such. And if they do, well then... maybe you're stupid. (Just kidding. Well, no I'm not; you'd have to be stupid to not understand.) Look, the game is good, it sure ain't great. But the point is, his review isn't either.
Well what you're about to read is my throwing whatever journalistic integrity I have to the wind. (You got that right.) This isn't going to be HBK (oh please... stop w/ the wrestling) just reviewing a game. It's going to be a fan talking about how bloody pissed he is at the tripe Treasure spewed out into this cartridge. About how this game's existence is the equivalent to me having cancer in every part of my body, including my pee-pee. I can forgive a lot of things from Developers bastardizing their creations for a cheap buck and screwing over the fans and gamers because they only care about a profit nowadays and not about creating a rewarding experience.
Yes, because the Developers are the ones who get alllllll the money from publishing a game. Oh wait no, developers don't publish, they develop. See, publishers publish. And they get the money from the consumer. So yes, hate Treasure for raking in all those meager royalties while poor Ubisoft collects everything else and... well yeah, blame Treasure, because they're doing it for the $0.05 they'll see of that cheap buck!
Wow. This is royally screwed up. It's supposedly a direct continuation of the original Guardian Heroes story, except it gets/does nothing right.
Where does it say a "direct continuation"? I'd like to know. No really. Please indulge me. He goes on to rant about the story (which you would know if you CLICKED THE LINK AND READ THE REVIEW, like you're SUPPOSED to), which I don't care about. He can hate it for all I care; personal preference is not at issue here, brainless writing is. Moving on.
[Update 10/02/04: Guess what - I actually looked on the game box and it says, "The long awaited sequel" or something! See I told you I can be stupid. HOWEVER: it also talks about the branching paths... of which there are none. So, I still claim supreme victory since UbiSoft's marketing is all f'ed up. They're on crack, and are not the ones to ask whether or not it's a direct sequel.]
AGH has no divergent paths, no coherent plot, and is plagues by Ubisoft typical shotty translation.
"...is plagues by Ubisoft typical shotty translation..." Hmm. Alex, I'd like to try "Hypocritical Homosapiens" for two dollars please. Is the answer, "...is plagued by Ubisoft's typical shoddy translation"? I win! Yes, criticize Ubi's bad Engrish translating by creating a badly written English sentence of your own. I'm sure he'll probably try to save himself by saying, "That was an intentional piece of dry wit!" Uh huh. Next!
Well, there's a lot happening on the screen, but none of it is very pretty. Everything is pretty jagged looking and is nowhere up to the level of the original game's graphics. Now remember, both the Saturn and the GBA are 32 bit systems, so the graphics should be comparable. But in fact, they are not.
There is one really big wrong thing with this paragraph. Anybody care to take a guess? If you didn't get it, you're really, really stupid. But let's take volunteers anyway. What's wrong with that paragraph? Your answers, please:
Sony: That I'm selling the PSP for $300?
Microsoft: That Sudeki sucks?
Nintendo: That online gameplay is something that nobody wants?
Whoops, wrong topic. Let's try again, and this time I'll answer my own question, for the retards out there. I'd like to bring up the case of NeoGeo Pocket vs. Super Nintendo Entertainment System. And I quote:
NEO GEO POCKET COLOR SPECS
# CPUs: Toshiba TLCS900H core (16-bit), 6.144 MHz, Z80 at 3.072 MHz for sound.
# RAM: 12k for 900H, 4k for Z80
# ROM: 64kb boot ROM
# Interfaces: SIO 1 channel 19200 bps, 5-pin serial port
# Resolution: 160x152
# Colors: 16 palettes per plane, 48 palettes. 146 colors on screen out of 4096.** NEO GEO POCKET color mode, 20 colors out of 4096.
# Sprites: 64 sprites per frame, 4 colors per sprite*.
# Scrolling: 2 scrolling planes, 8x8 character tiles, 4 colors each*.
# Sound: PSG 6 tone simultaneous output. Stereo sound.
# Cartridges: Maximum 2 MB (16 Mbit) with 4-16Mbit flash memory.
# Batteries: 40 hours on 2 AA batteries. Lithium battery backs up memory and clock.
# I/O serial SIO 1 channel 19200 bps
Ladies and Gentlemonkeys of the jury, I'd like to point out that the CPU in the NGPC is 16-bit. Yet the COLORS are listed INDEPENDENTLY of the 16-bit processor. Why is that? Because maybe visuals have very little to do with the "bits" of the CPU? Hmmm? Let's take at the Super Nintendo, another "16-bit" system. See Donkey Kong Country! See Donkey Kong Country's nice visuals! See Donkey Kong Country on NGPC! Oh wait, you WON'T, because it CAN'T BE DONE. But they're both 16-bit, so what does that mean? It means YOU'RE STUPID! Can you tell me why a Playstation or Saturn 3D game looks like absolute bull$hit compared to a PC game, when both run on "32-bit" processors (yes, Intel Pentium and AMD Athlon x86 chips are "32-bit" if you will)? No, you can't, because you're an idiot! Try this answer: graphics and the "bits" of a system don't go hand in hand.
I'm ready for more stupid.
In the original game, the slowdown was actually part of the fun. But that's because of the control scheme. It could be of benefit sometimes. In AGH however, it's actually very detrimental because of how messed up the controls are to begin with. Bad controls + slowdown = massive frustration. Then later he says, Whereas the original Guardian Heroes was a fast paced action game based of all sorts of different attacks and a 3-D style attack field on a 2D scrolling game, Advance Guardian Heroes is pretty much Double Dragon Advance but without the play control. Really all you do is hit A to jump and B to attack, and there are a few different styles of attack like Earthquake smash or dash attack. But in the end, there is little you can actually do.
Ow, ow, ouch... argh... gimme a second. I got a hip replacement the other year and it starts to act up when the weather gets MORON. Anyone who's played Guardian Heroes on Saturn will tell you that nothing about it is really "3D". You jump between three different planes, similar to Fatal Fury and its ilk. You want a freaking 3D game? Virtua Freaking Fighter 4 is a 3D game. Splinter Cell is a freaking 3D game. Guardian Heroes was not, is not, and is not going to be. Furthermore, anyone who's played the original Guardian Heroes knows that you perform quite a few special movies via fireball motions a la Street Fighter. Are you telling me this guy likes performing a fireball motion, in the middle of slowdown, better than simply tapping Forward twice and B? I... I guess it's personal preference?? I guess? Or maybe it's STUPIDITY.
AGH plays like a third rate Double Dragon or Battletoads rather than a game that has anything at all to do with the original Guardian Heroes. Then, Well the engine itself is quite original, but they've taken one of the most beloved cult games of all time and sodomized it.
Son, do you know what a game engine is? You just got through telling us that it plays like a third rate Double Dragon but now it's "original" all of a sudden? What, are you going wishy washy Kerry on us?
If anything this game is the death knell for the 2D beat em up Genre. When Treasure, the company who perfected this genre doesn't care anymore and puts out a game that is crappier than an outhouse at a diarrheic convention, you have to wonder who is left to put out a quality product.
When Treasure ... doesn't care anymore? Did you play Astro Boy? Read your colleague's review since you're probably too hare-brained to understand mine. Oh right, and you played Gradius V -- a game YOU REVIEWED and rightfully give it its due. Yeah, Treasure made that. I guess they just don't care anymore so they had to put out a game that you said that people MUST OWN.
Dammit I'm sick and tired of this sh1tty review. Let me go blow my nose, that'll get it out of my system.
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